Introduction

I remember the day this book started. It was April, 2000, and I was standing in my kitchen, gazing out the window, once again going over the pieces of the last 13 years of my life like a jigsaw puzzle, trying to make sense of them. Slowly, the words began to come. I had an awareness, an insight, a light-bulb-in-the-head moment.

Ah-hah! I understood a piece of why the soul-blistering nightmare I had been in had happened. I had to write it down, catch the words, cement them somewhere so I wouldn’t lose them.

I had spent four months slowly climbing out of a pit of emotional pain and depression. On January 1, 2000, I sat down at my computer, went to search mode on the Internet and typed in the words “narcissist” and “borderline personality disorder.” A friend had told me that my partner had these disorders and that the abusive behavior being inflicted on me was … simply … because “that’s what they do.” Eight hours later, still in my sweat outfit, a pile of sobbed-into tissues at my feet, I knew what the name of my pain was. I began to see a tiny light ahead of me to guide me out of the mess that my life had become since allowing my narcissistic, borderline personality disordered partner into my life.

What followed was a fascinating, dig-into-the-gut process of unraveling the twisted highs and lows of my relationship with my BPD (Borderline Personality Disordered) partner. I would never know when the ah-hah! moment would hit. I started carrying a small notebook with me to catch the thoughts on the spot as they came. I found myself writing in fast food restaurants, shopping malls, the post office, church – or simply at the side of the road, having pulled over in my car to quickly jot down the insights as they tumbled out.

“So that’s why he exploded and raged at me with absolutely no warning !” “So that’s why he withdrew and punished me with silence !” “That’s why he wanted me home every day exactly at 5:30 p.m.” The puzzle pieces of our relationship kept being arranged … and then re-arranged … the more I studied and learned about the disorder. I finally understood why he’d be so angry if I were even a little bit late … or if we had to re-arrange plans at the last minute.

I went back further and further in our relationship, shining a light into every corner, re-remembering hurtful, puzzling interactions that now had an explanation. It was exhausting, exhilarating and satisfying. And, finally, each insight led me to a prayer … for healing, guidance, forgiveness, compassion, strength, courage and wisdom … the tools I so desperately needed to climb out of the pain.

Slowly, the insights took on character and purpose – even a sense of humor. I was healing. As I wrote, I knew the words were meant for others to read, a lifeline from me to them … reality crumbs in the forest to lead the way out.

If you’re in an abusive relationship now – or even a very painful one – there is a good possibility that your partner is BPD, or some variation/combination of BPD with one of the other nine personality disorders. In the sections titled Definitions and Behavior Descriptions and Resources and Tools, you can get into your head and study the behavioral characteristics.

However, I recommend you stay with your heart. Don’t try to understand the definitions to begin with. Dive into the meat of the book first. Connect with the feelings you have over how you’ve been treated, what it feels like. In the end, it’s our feelings that will lead us to the actions we need to take to protect ourselves and our families. My writings are in no particular order, other than chronologically as they were written. Same with Ashleigh Brilliant’s illustrations. Start wherever the message grabs you and ride it to wherever it takes you. This is an experiential book, meant to move you from one spot to another, with you in complete control of the speed and direction. It’s my sincere wish that this book will be the soul-freeing gift to others that it has been for me.

Blessings and courage, my friends. Love and happiness await you at the end of your journey.