Boundaries

A boundary can be defined as (1) the limits that mark off the self from the object (or other person). (2) Boundary has also been used to refer to the invisible line that separates the participants in a relationship and allows each to maintain a separate identity and to fulfill the obligations and responsibilities that are implicitly or explicitly understood as being part of his/her role.

Boundary violations refer to stepping over that invisible line, such as the one that separates the professional from the client or the physician from the patient, using the power imbalance between therapist and patient to exploit the patient.

A similar boundary violation for a relationship would be one partner quitting their job or refusing to work, then running up bills so that the other person has to try to pay them. Another example would be a partner who is a therapist "gaslighting" the other person....using their knowledge to convince them that they're the one with the problems.

Most boundary violations follow a similar pattern over time, beginning with subtle manifestations that may seem to be no more than exaggerated and flattering courtesy, followed by informality and demonstrations of friendliness, progressing to too much self-disclosure, and more intimate behaviors. For example, if you don’t feel close to someone and they reveal very personal information to you, you may feel "imposed upon" or "stressed". Your personal boundaries may have been violated by this person’s disclosures -- which presume a relationship that does not exist in your shared reality. (In this situation, it's often a good idea to stop and say to yourself "Why is this person telling me this?")

The context of a relationship and the type of relationship determines appropriate closeness and distance.. Appropriate boundaries are necessary for individuals and for any relationship to prosper.

The following are some things to consider about whether or not you have appropriate boundaries. Please remember that these are very general statements and that appropriate boundaries vary within the context of a relationship.

Example: Even if you are married, there may be times when a particular behavior is usually appropriate, but may not be under certain circumstances, i.e., physical intimacy (sex) may be appropriate at whatever rate the partners decide, but not appropriate if one partner is coerced or if one partner is ill. (Note: I've used the word "partner" in the following, but please feel free to substitute whatever term applies to your situation.)

1. In a healthy relationship, each person is whole and intact. Each person can still live if something happened to the other, or if the relationship ended. Death or dissolution of a relationship is painful, but it doesn't mean that you will cease to exist.

   If your partner makes statements or engages in behaviors that suggest that if you are not around that they will kill themselves, it may be an indicator that they do not have a solid sense of self. What this means for you is that exaggerated and unhealthy demands may be placed upon you by your partner. They may begin to "need" you to be with them for excessive amounts of time, or they may use threats to harm themselves as a way to control you.

   If your partner can not function appropriately when you are not present, or becomes noticeably depressed, this may another indicator that they do not have a solid sense of self. What this may mean for you is that your partner may insist that you not only spend most, or even all, of your time with them, but they may also make you responsible for their moods.

   If your partner engages in sexual activity outside of your relationship, this is another signal that this person may not have a solid sense of self and is looking to others to provide that for him/her. What this may mean for you is that your partner may continue to have intimate and/or sexual relationships with others whether you're involved with them in that fashion or not. In most cases, this behavior violates the boundaries of a couple’s relationship.

2. Each person needs to have his/her own thoughts and feelings, and each to take responsibility for his/her actions. Not having your own thoughts, feelings or responsibilities may mean that you're in an enmeshed relationship. Enmeshment may feel like "closeness" or "intimacy", but it isn't....it means that someone's individuality is being squashed. The enmeshed individual is not "known" or "heard" or really entitled to be a contributor to a healthy relationship.

   If your partner "blames" you for their behaviors, thoughts and/or feelings, then they are not processing in an adult and mature manner. This constitutes a boundary violation because your partner is not accepting responsibility for his/her behaviors, but rather is attempting or succeeding in getting you to take that responsibility for them. When someone abdicates responsibility for their own behaviors, they give their own personal "power" to someone else. Now that object, or other person, is "controlling" them. This gives the partner the message that they can't take care of themselves, and can feed raging or "acting out" behaviors that can include verbal and/or physical violence.

3. If your partner wants, insists or demands that you terminate other important relationships in your life (friends, family, etc.) then they are isolating you. This is abusive.

   In order to "brainwash" or to have power and control over another person, the first step is to isolate the victim. By doing this, the person has managed to cut off any feedback that the potential victim has from others. It reduces the possibility of good "reality testing" about what is happening. It also will make the potential victim more dependent upon the perpetrator. That will facilitate the movement of your personal power and control over to your partner. This shift in power indicates that a major boundary breach has been made.

4. If your partner wants, insists or demands that you take care of all or most of their needs, this may be an indicator of dependency at an unhealthy level.

   Dependency is not the same as "counting on each other" or "working together". It is that shift of personal power from the self to another. Instead of being able to meet one's own needs appropriately, the partner now has you taking care of them and being responsible for everything that happens. Not just the "good" stuff, but the "not so good stuff", too.

   It is difficult enough to meet one's own needs, let alone somehow ending up being responsible for your needs and someone else's. We expect to meet the needs of a baby or small child, but when the power if shifted in this manner with an adult, it actually sets up a dynamic in which you are the "parent" and the partner is now, effectively, the "child". As I mentioned above, this is not a healthy dynamic. It destroys true intimacy, neither person is acting in an "adult" way, and it erodes the self-confidence of both parties.

   This dynamic also sets up all kinds of anger....anger because you're trying to do more than your share, and anger in the partner, who, again, is having the message "You can't take care of yourself." reinforced. This feeds rage and increases the likelihood of acting out and violent behaviors.

   If your partner does not assist in daily activities, chores, childcare and other duties, this may be an indicator that they are not sharing responsibilities in an adult manner. Each person in the relationship needs to be working toward mutual goals as partners. If one person is doing more than their share of the work, self-esteem, self-image as well as the relationship is being eroded.

5. If your partner's values, beliefs, thoughts and/or feelings appear to change depending upon whom s/he is around, this may indicate an unstable sense of self.

   This can mean that your partner may "look" and "act" like they have inspected their values, thoughts, feelings, etc., when they haven't. You may find that the person you thought you were involved with changes constantly. You never know what your partner might "be" or "do". There is no constancy....you're left wondering just who this person is and what they do believe in. Without this constancy, there can be no working toward mutually accepted goals, because those goals, values, etc. change depending upon who your partner is around.

   People with an unstable sense of self look to others to provide that "self" for them. "Tell me who I am." "Tell me what I should wear...how I should act...what I should feel." This, again, shifts the responsibility over to other people. That unbalanced dynamic is again in play which destroys people operating as adults.

6. The partners in a relationship need to remain as individuals with their own interests.

   In a healthy partnership or relationship, the individuals are interdependent rather than dependent upon each other. This may change if a partner is ill or disabled physically or mentally. But the focus still is to make sure that even if disabled, that partner does as much as s/he is capable of doing for him/herself.

Without your own interests and the ability to meet as many of your own needs as possible, then who you "are" again becomes "externalized"....there is no real "you" but only what others provide. If your partner is not able or willing to define themselves, they are shifting their responsibility onto others or onto you. This, again, places the burdens onto one person.

If you have the feeling that your partner might "starve to death" if you moved his/her plate 12 inches or if they are not capable or willing to take care of their own basic needs, this may indicate an unhealthy dependency.

If your partner needs constant reminders to bathe, change into clean clothes, or to participate in activities of daily living (ADLs), this may indicate that they are not processing appropriately. This coupled with disorganized thinking and behaviors may indicate a serious form of mental "misprocessing". Such an individual needs prompt and appropriate treatment from a mental health professional such as a psychiatrist.

Without appropriate treatment, the processing of your partner is not going to improve and can actually decline to a degree that s/he needs to be hospitalized. They will not be able to learn or sustain appropriate or healthy boundaries. They will have little, if any autonomy (other than acting out or acting in), and that "adult" relationship that you need in order to be a healthy and growth oriented individual or couple will simple cease to exist.

7. Our internal image of ourselves and our partner needs to fit with reality. If your partner has a "false" or "fantasy" image of you that isn't within reasonable limits, you may be abandoned or punished in some way when you feel, think or act in a way that doesn't validate the other's fantasy image.

   If your partner refuses to touch you or talk to you, they have withdrawn. This may be because their internal image of you doesn't match who you really are at a given moment. Not talking to your partner may also be a form of "punishment" for a particular behavior. A healthy adult needs to be capable of discussing behaviors that they find objectionable. Not talking is an immature way to deal with issues. Emotional withdrawal is not a form of appropriate distance or boundaries.

8. Respect of each person's values, beliefs, thoughts and emotions are imperative. That doesn't mean that both individuals must have exactly the same values, beliefs, thoughts and emotions, but that they are compatible. Each person has a right to his/her own emotions, etc. and to have those validated.

   If your partner tears you down, makes fun of your values, beliefs, thoughts and emotions, or vacillates between "over idealizing" and "devaluing" you, it is a sign that they do not respect you and may not be able to hold a constant image of you composed of both negative and positive aspects.

   The consequences of such a partnership for you are terrible. You never know if you're "all good" or "all bad"....you're either one or the other. You cease to exist as a "total" and "complex" individual comprised of positive and not so positive aspects, and become "all white" or "all black". Being overvalued may feel good for a while....there's nothing that you can do that's wrong...you're the most wonderful person in the world. But just as easily as you were placed on that pedestal, you'll be torn down, only to become so much refuse. You will be belittled, mocked, blamed, and told that no matter what you do, you're just "no good" and it will be all your fault. This is the price of being placed on a pedestal....what goes up, will come down...hard....and you're self-worth, self-esteem and self-image will be smashed eventually.

9. If your partner engages in illegal or unethical practices, then this breach of acceptable behaviors violates your boundaries.

10. If your partner engages in psychological, emotional and or physical violence, it indicates they are unable to control their emotions. Any kind of violence is unacceptable. It is imperative that you leave the situation and get to a safe place immediately. Check with your local law enforcement agency for shelters, orders of protection or whatever you need to keep yourself safe.

    NOTE: The cycle of violence does not just "go away". The violence will continue (although your partner may promise it will never happen again) unless s/he gets consistent and appropriate treatment immediately.

    If your partner demands, forces or coerces you to have sex when you don't want to, this is another form of violence and breach of basic boundaries.

11. Emotional stability is an indicator of a healthy and mature adult. We all have days when we're upset or having a difficult time. But if your partners mood shift rapidly or if they are unable to control their emotions, this may be an indicator of a serious mental disorder.

    If your partner rages, swings from being in a positive mood to being depressed and/or very energized, s/he needs an evaluation for appropriate medications.

12. Each person needs to pay attention to their own needs.

    If you are doing so much for other people in your life that you are no longer attending to your own needs on a daily basis, then you may be enmeshed. Conversely, if your partner is not paying attention to their own needs and/or if they expect or demand that you take care of their needs, then the personal and relationship boundaries are inappropriate.

Ways you can deny your true self and weaken your emotional boundaries

1. Pretending to agree when you disagree.
2. Concealing your true feelings.
3. Going along with an activity that you really don't want to do and never stating your preference.
4. Declining to join an activity you really want to do.
5. Pushing yourself beyond your limits.
6. Working too hard or too long.
7. Doing too much for others.
8. Not resting when tired.
9. Ignoring your needs.
10. Not eating regular and healthy meals.
11. Insufficient sleep.
12. Too little or too much time alone.
13. Too much or too little exercise.
14. Insufficient contact with people who truly care about you.
15. Insufficient to too many leisure activities.
16. Using chemicals to avoid yourself: these include drugs and/or alcohol.
17. Using compulsions to avoid yourself: these include eating, starving, exercise, work, shopping, spending, TV, sex, games, sports, etc. that are done compulsively or to excess.

Joy Miller's 10 'Demandments' - 10 rules to live by to insure unhappiness in a relationship:

1. Thou shall make me happy.
2. Thou shall no have any interests other than me.
3. Thou shall know what I want and what I feel without me having to tell you.
4. Thou shall return each one of my sacrifices with an equal or greater sacrifice.
5. Thou shall shield me from anxiety, worry, hurt or any pain.
6. Thou shall give me my sense of self-worth and esteem.
7. Thou shall be grateful for everything I do.
8. Thou shall not be critical of me, show anger toward me or otherwise disapprove of anything I do.
9. Thou shall be so caring and loving that I need never take risks or be vulnerable in any way.
10. Thou shall love me with a whole heart, a whole soul and a whole mind, even if I do not love myself.

Remember, too, that developing and maintaining healthy physical and emotional boundaries takes work. Boundaries are like muscles...they need to be exercised appropriately. Development of those boundaries, if you weren't fortunate enough to have learned good ones in your family of origin or if yours were eroded, is a process. It takes time and work to find those "muscles" and learn how to use them in ways that promote your personal growth, development and safety

I'd like to thank Anne Katherine, author of "Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin" and Joy Miller, author of "Addictive Relationships: Reclaiming Your Boundaries" for their contributions to this body of work.
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-Elyce Benham