About Domestic Violence

What is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence is behavior - emotional, psychological, physical, or sexual abuse - that one person in an intimate relationship uses in order to control the other. It takes many different forms, including behavior such as threats, name-calling, isolation, withholding of money, actual or threatened physical harm, withholding of affection and sexual assault.

Whether your partner is Borderline or not makes no difference to your body, your mental health or your family’s. The effects on the family are the same: trauma, serious physical and emotional injury, or death.

Statistics on domestic violence vary. But, in every case, the victim of domestic violence, -- male, female, straight, gay, lesbian, adult or child, has the right to emotional, physical and legal relief.

The following checklist may help you decide whether you or someone in your family is being abused:

Does your partner:

• Constantly criticize you and/or your abilities as a spouse, partner, parent or person?
• Behave in an over-protective manner or become extremely jealous?
• Threaten to hurt you, your children, family members, friends, pets or themselves?
• Prevent you from seeing family or friends?
• Try to control your activities?
• Get suddenly angry; lose their temper or rage?
• Destroy personal property or throw things around?
• Deny you access to family assets like bank accounts, credit cards, the car, the telephone or the computer?
• Use intimidation or manipulation too controls you or your children? Hit, punch, slap, shove, kick, choke or bite you?
• Make you have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually that you don’t want to do?
• Prevent you from eating, sleeping or working?
• Humiliate you or shame you in front of other people?
• Are you afraid to stay home and also afraid to leave? *

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you may be enduring domestic violence. If you answered “yes” to two of them, you are a victim of domestic violence.

You are not to blame. And you need not be alone.

(**Adapted from: dvGuide.com - the online survival guide 11/99)

What can you do about your situation?

“One night, I heard myself pleading with my husband not to shout so hard, not to break anything too loudly, to please stop so the neighbors wouldn’t call the police again. I was in mortal danger but too tired and stunned to deal with the police again. That’s how I lived. Who was that person?” – Beth

“I knew if I left, I left everything. She would get the kids, the house and half my income for the next fifteen years. I knew if I called the police when she hit , kicked or bit me, I would be arrested. I felt there was no way out – everyone loves her, including me, but no one knows her like I do. Still, Leaving her was the only path to sanity for me.” -Jeff

If your well being, your children’s or your pet’s is endangered by your partner’s behavior, your first responsibility is to handle this situation.

No matter how much you may care for your partner, your safety and the safety of those in your care is the higher priority. Your borderline partner needs to know that you will not tolerate abusive behavior, nor will family or community.

Living in an abusive situation with a borderline partner can be very isolating and overwhelming.

Who can you reach out to for support?

1. Contact a local hotline or website with local information. Many communities now have sites devoted to local DV information.
2. Get any medical attention you may need. Do not allow shame or fear to prevent you from caring for your own physical well being, nor that of any one in your care.
3. With the help of family, friends, a DV agency, pastor or therapist, develop a plan for your safety.
4. Take a break from your living situation and use that time to muster your allies and develop a plan for your safety.
5. Consider getting an order of Protection so that the community also supports your safety. Local DV agencies have free clinics to help you with the paperwork.
6. In an emergency, call the police:
• Keep yourself as calm as possible: wait for the responding officers outside your residence if possible.
• Try to talk to the responding officers before your partner can manipulate them.
Do not allow yourself to be provoked into any emotional display.
• Whenever possible, speak to the police in the presence of a witness – a neighbor, a friend.
• Take your time to calm down and give an accurate report.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 497-8273

The NDVH is very aware that domestic violence is committed by people, not by any particular group or gender. They provide referrals. In your area, you can ask directory assistance for a local DV Hotline. These hotline volunteers are trained to listen well and to guide you to resources in your community.

Our support list, Landofoz@egroups.com, is another resource for DV questions and safety strategies.

Some links to DV websites:

• www.ndvh.org (National DV hotline)
• www.dvGuide.com
• www.safe4all.org (for Gay, Lesbian, Men’s referrals.)
• www.childabuse.net
• www.divorcesource.com/archives/violence.shtml

See: Our Book Page under “Domestic Violence”.

Your safety is in your capable hands: TAKE CARE OF YOU.